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We all wanna be loved and in love right? It's something about having that special someone you love come home every night and indulge in quality time together. Intimate relationship are a wonderful thing and it what makes life worth living. However a close relationship can go south with the quickness when there are no concrete boundaries set in place.
QUICK QUESTION HUN: Have you ever wondered why a man that you've been in a relationship with for years can treat you like crap the whole time and then treat the next women like a princess. This kind of stuff is what makes black women bitter and enraged right( and it's completely justified)? But we must understand that the difference between you and the next woman is not that she is prettier or that she can throw it back in a circle better than you. The thing is that she had standards and boundaries in place and you did not. However, I am hoping that this humble blog post can change that for you Luv.
ALWAYS REMEMBER: YOU SHOW A MAN HOW TO TREAT YOU BY HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF
WHY DO YOU NEED BOUNDARIES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
What boundaries do in a relationship is the same thing a can of mace spray does to a perpetrator... It protects you! It keeps men from entering your life and robbing you of your joy, your peace , and your time. What we need to understand is that we don't get a lot of time to be young and beautiful Hun. We have a short window in which we are considered desirable for marriage and love so we don't want to waist our precious years on men who are not worth a second of our time. Are you in a relationship today and didn't set boundaries before committing? Have you experienced the hurt of being with someone who used and abused you because of your limitless kind nature? If so, welcome to the club, I've been there too. So, here are the 4 reasons why you might wanna think and plan for your next relationship before you repeat the same one as before. We are team HEALING ova here and we don't got time to date without a purpose. Let's continue...
4 REASONS WHY YOUR LACK OF BOUNDARIES ARE CAUSING YOU PAIN IN YOUR INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
1) YOU HAVE NO END TO GIVING
This is FACTS: Black and Brown women are the most humble and giving people on this earth. However, we on many occasions give to others what we aren’t willing to given to ourselves. Giving out our time, talents, energy and love is beautiful But only when it's being reciprocated does it make us feel loved and valued. STOP giving away yourself without requiring something in return hoping that one day you'll be rewarded for your kindness. That day may never come and where does that leave you??? Back on the bitter bus! Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with giving. I am a giver myself. But there has to be a limit to what we give. That's why boundaries are so important. By all mean give, but know when to enough is enough.
2) YOU HAVEN'T LEARNED TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST
Let me start by saying "Putting yourself FIRST is not being selfish"! I struggled with this for many years. I went through my entire 20's thinking that by putting myself before others in a relationship was a sin or something. I quickly learned that men will ALWAYS put themselves FIRST and if I didn’t learn to do the same... I would never experience the type of relationship that I knew I deserved. Let me give you some examples Hun! Putting yourself first in a relationship looks like:
Having a hard conversations with your partner when you feel your needs aren't being met
Taking time daily to practice self-care and schedule self maintenance appointments weekly or monthly as needed
Not trying to solve a man problems but allowing him to solve your because that's what men do
Knowing when you have had enough and being ok with leaving the table when you don't like what's being served.
Here are some affirmation that will help you learn to put yourself first: https://optimistminds.com/affirmations-for-putting-yourself-first/
3) YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN THE TIME TO LEARN YOURSELF BEFORE DATING OR MARRYING
Have you healed from your past relationships? Do you know what you REALLY want in a relationship? Have you learned the lessons that God was trying to show you about yourself? These are things the you should learn before you can date or marry. I strongly believe in taking time to discover oneself especially after a difficult relationship or divorce. I don’t like the word divorce but I understand it's a reality for many people in 2022. What are the qualities that you have discovered about yourself? What are your non-negotiables in a relationship? What are your strengths and weaknesses? How do you like others to treat you? What's your love language? These are questions that every women should ask and have honest answers to. And for my married women like myself, you can learn to discover yourself too! In my marriage is where I learned how much I needed to love myself more and stop letting others use me...including my husband. So be encouraged! It's never too late to grow!
4) YOU HAVE SOME HEALING TO DO
You need healing Hun! And so did I! We as black women all had our share of hurt, pain and heartache. We can live in different place of the world, have different upbringings and went to different schools but we all seem to have the same traumatic life experiences. Sis, take it from me, healing you heart is the best gift you could ever give to yourself. Letting go of past hurt is revolutionary in a world that wants to us lose in life. Have you taken the steps to seek professional help for your mental health? Have you taken time to meditate on your life and examine that way you've been showing up? You deserve to see what it looks and feels like to be truly happy and free. Do yourself and your future husband a favor and find a Therapist or better yet reconnect with Jesus and start your healing journey today!
Hey Hun! I hope this blog helped you in some way. Here are some other resources that I believe could be helpful also:
Are you struggling with setting healthy boundaries in your relationship? Grab my FREE pdf Butterfly Boundaries and start setting boundaries like a boss today. Send us an email at info@foreverblackanddainty.com and we will send you a copy.
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